Ever wonder why some people just wind you up for no reason? Or why you sometimes find yourself behaving like a complete twat for no good reason, really regretting it later?
Phrases like “Jake’s really getting on my nerves” or “Jane’s pushing all my buttons today” are sighed across the world on a regular basis, and it’s quite likely that people sometimes might say the same thing about you. A colleague once said to me, “I’ve got the right hump with you at the moment”, and I wasn’t really sure what I’d done. (They never told me!)
One of the many reasons this may be happening is a behavioural dynamic model called “Family Of Origin roles.” We explore this in a few of our “Empathy For The Devil” podcast episodes, and this article seeks to explain it a bit more deeply.
A behavioural dynamic model is a framework that helps explain how interactions and behaviours within a system, like a family or organisation, influence individual and group functioning. It looks at roles, relationships, communication styles, and emotional responses to understand these dynamics.
The term “family of origin” refers to the family we were born into and grew up with. This includes not just our immediate family but also the broader context of what happened to our parents and grandparents before we were born—their psychological, emotional, and mental condition, and the flavour, style, and intensity of their interpersonal relationships, and also how they parented us.The dynamics within this family—such as our birth order relative to our siblings, how our siblings felt about us, how we felt about them, and how our parents treated us individually or as a group—significantly shape our development and behaviour. These dynamics are deeply ingrained in us, influencing how we relate to others throughout our lives.
A lot of our behaviour is a response to these family dynamics. We are subconsciously given roles, or we unconsciously take them up, as a way to navigate our family environment. These roles can become so deeply embedded that we carry them into adulthood, often replaying them in our family of choice—the people we choose to live with, interact with, and work with.
When discussing family of origin dynamics, there is no allocation of blame. In fact, the opposite is true. We’re talking mostly about things that happen on a subconscious level, affecting our behaviour, responses and decisions, without us even knowing about it.
People far cleverer than me have spent years and thousands of hours researching and writing about this and have come up with a number of “archetypes” or typical roles that people tend to be given or take up in their families of origin, which then continue to affect their behaviour in other interpersonal relationships.
You may recognise yourself in more than one role, and that’s normal too. We often switch roles depending on situations or dynamics, as we did when we were growing up.Here are the five most common. Which one are you?
The Hero is the “golden child” of the family. They are responsible, dependable, disciplined, ambitious, perfectionists, and successful. They are the “good” kid, and the family often prides itself on their high achievements.
The Hero is often the firstborn child, taking on the role of the responsible and high-achieving “leader.” However, this role can develop at any point in a child's life as a response to the family's circumstances and dynamics. For instance, a younger sibling might step into the Hero role after witnessing family dysfunction or when the older sibling fails to fulfil this role.
Changes such as parental separation, financial stress, or the arrival of a new sibling can also prompt a child to adopt the Hero role, driven by the need to bring stability and pride to the family. This flexibility highlights that family roles are not rigidly tied to birth order but are fluid and shaped by the evolving family environment.
How this role develops:
The Hero often adopts this role to cope with dysfunction in the family system. By excelling in school, sports, or extra-curricular activities, they aim to overshadow and hide family dysfunction with their accomplishments. This role satisfies their psychological need for validation and a sense of control, acting as a distraction from family issues. Additionally, the Hero may feel immense pressure to maintain their status and not disappoint their family, leading to high levels of stress and anxiety.
Psychological and Emotional Profile:
The Hero often internalises the need to be perfect, fearing failure and rejection. They may have high self-expectations and a strong drive for achievement, sometimes leading to anxiety and a fear of vulnerability. They often struggle with recognising their own needs and emotions, focusing instead on external validation.
Example in adulthood:
The Hero might be the overachiever in the workplace, always taking on extra projects and striving for perfection. They may struggle with vulnerability, feeling that they always need to be strong and competent. This can lead to burnout and difficulties in delegating tasks, impacting their well-being and professional relationships. The need for control and perfection can make it hard for them to relax and enjoy their accomplishments. Think of someone constantly looking for the equivalent of medals or rosettes.
The Black Sheep, also known as “The Scapegoat,” is a role usually cast by the family as the troublemaker or the “problem child.” They might exhibit challenging behaviour, have problems with authority, and struggle to stick to rules. The Black Sheep’s disobedience allows the family to blame most of their problems on them. I was definitely the scapegoat in my family!
How this role develops:
While The Hero tries to compensate for family tension and other difficulties, and The Mascot tries to distract everyone from them, The Black Sheep becomes the external expression of the family’s problems. In many cases, they become the “vessel” for the existing family dysfunction. This role can develop as a way to draw attention to the family’s dysfunction, forcing the family to confront their issues, albeit indirectly.
Psychological and Emotional Profile:
The Scapegoat often feels misunderstood and unfairly blamed for the family's issues. They might struggle with feelings of rejection and low self-worth, often internalising the negative feedback they receive. This can lead to rebellious behaviour and a tendency to question authority, as well as resilience and a strong sense of justice. The Scapegoat is the most likely of the family of origin roles to develop addiction, as it can begin with the use of substances to change the way the feel early in life.
Example in adulthood:
In the workplace, The Scapegoat might be seen as the rebel, often challenging authority and questioning the status quo. They might be viewed as antagonistic or difficult to manage. However, this role can also foster resilience and independent thinking, as they are accustomed to standing up against norms. They might struggle with trusting others and authority figures, impacting their professional relationships and career progression. The can also be incredible out of the box, original thinkers.
Also known as the “Caretaker” or “Enabler” (the latter being used in families with an addict in the system), The Rescuer feels a personal responsibility to keep the family together. They put the needs of others before their own, often not knowing what their own needs, other than ensuring that everyone else is OK.
How this role develops:
This role can develop as a response to The Black Sheep—they want to help The Black Sheep, which they feel might help relieve familial tension and conflict. It can also develop from feelings of anxiety or fear arising from family dysfunction; instead of sitting with these uncomfortable feelings, a child adapts and takes on the Rescuer role by trying to fix these problems. “Mum and Dad are fighting again, I need to fix it.”
The Rescuer often seeks to maintain harmony by taking on others' burdens and solving their problems. It's important to note that it's not only The Rescue who tries to fix things. As we'll see, other roles are also "fixing roles."
Psychological and Emotional Profile:
The Rescuer often neglects their own needs and emotions, focusing instead on caring for others. They might struggle with setting boundaries and saying no, leading to burnout and resentment. Their self-worth is often tied to their ability to help others, which can create co-dependent relationships.
Example in adulthood:
In the workplace, The Rescuer might be the one who always steps in to help colleagues, sometimes overstepping boundaries in their efforts to solve everyone’s problems. They might struggle with setting limits and prioritising their own tasks, often neglecting self-care and personal boundaries, leading to burnout and resentment. This role can impact their professional growth and personal satisfaction.
The Lost Child is invisible. Quiet, submissive, compliant. And spends a lot of time alone. They stay away from the family drama, so they seem like the “good” or “easy” kid. However, they might also lack important social skills and withdraw from reality.
How this role develops:
A child develops this role when they try to escape family drama by withdrawing and removing themselves entirely from the equation. They don’t want to make the family dysfunction worse, so they become invisible, often getting lost in books, TV, or fantasy as a way to emotionally escape. The Lost Child avoids conflict by staying out of the way, creating a sense of peace at the expense of their own engagement with the family.
Psychological and Emotional Profile:
The Lost Child often feels isolated and unimportant, struggling with low self-esteem and a sense of invisibility. They might find it difficult to form close relationships and express their needs and desires. This role can lead to a passive approach to life, with challenges in asserting themselves and making their presence known. Looking back on my bad bar presence. now I can put it down to lost child in me.
Example in adulthood:
In the workplace, The Lost Child might be the one who stays under the radar, avoiding conflicts and not voicing their opinions. They might struggle with assertiveness and forming close relationships with colleagues. This can impact their career progression and personal relationships, leading to feelings of isolation and undervaluation. They might find solace in isolation and solitary activities but miss out on collaborative opportunities and human connection.
The Mascot, also known as “The Clown,” is the funny kid - cute, charming, and outgoing. They are often the entertainer and the centre of attention at family gatherings. They use humour to offset any tension or negativity in the family, making everything seem fine. They are often the person everyone wants to have around.
The Mascot role is typically associated with the youngest child in the family, as they often use humour and charm to gain attention or alleviate family tension. But the role can also develop at any point in a child's life in reaction to change, trauma or crisis.
How this role develops:
A child becomes the mascot to cope with family tension. By becoming the centre of attention, they can distract the family from their problems, shifting the focus from dysfunction to themselves. This need to alleviate tension with humour is darker than it seems - it’s actually a signal of powerlessness, as it's a way of trying to control the situation with humour and personality. The Mascot often feels responsible for the emotional atmosphere of the family, using their skills to defuse conflict and discomfort. This can actually be quite a heavy burden to bear, and the Mascot often develops a very low tolerance for conflict, confrontation or tension.
Psychological and Emotional Profile:
The Mascot often hides their true feelings behind a façade of humour and charm. They might struggle with expressing deeper emotions and will oftenfeel lonely or misunderstood. This role can lead to difficulties in serious situations, as they may avoid addressing real issues and emotions, fearing they won't be taken seriously. I relate strongly to this. My role as mascot started when I realised that I could make my mother laugh. So for me, it was associated with love and affection
Example in adulthood:
The Mascot might crack jokes during stressful situations, attempting to lighten the mood in the group situation. However, they might struggle with serious conversations and repress their own emotions. The may also make light of what they are feeling, being dismissive of themselves and their needs. This role can impact their ability to engage in emotionally intimate and vulnerablec interactions, leading to shallow relationships and a lack of genuine emotional connection.
Our Family of Origin roles travel with us into our new families - work, bands, teams, clubs. You name it. Where there's people, there are a roles to be played! Our concept of "Who's talking to who" explores that sometimes, when two seemingly adult individuals are engaged in conflict, it may be because it's not actually them interactive - it's their Family Of Origin roles that are clashing, having been unconsciously triggered. Understanding these dynamics can help lighten conflicts and promote a more collaborative environment. Addressing the underlying motivations and encouraging open communication can bridge these differences. Here are a couple of examples.
The Hero vs. The Scapegoat
In a high-stress situation, The Hero might push for perfection and strict adherence to protocols, while The Scapegoat challenges this leading to tension and disagreements, and discomfort in the rest of the group.. The Hero perceives The Scapegoat as undermining the team's success, while The Scapegoat sees The Hero as overly controlling.
Understanding these dynamics can help lighten conflicts and promote a more collaborative environment. Addressing the underlying motivations and encouraging open communication can bridge these differences.
The Mascot vs. The Lost Child
While the Hero and the Scapegoat are clashing, the Mascot might try to lighten the mood with jokes, while the Lost Child withdraws further, feeling overwhelmed by the difficult atmosphere annoyed by the attempts at humour. This dynamic can create a disconnect, where the Mascot feels unappreciated, and the Lost Child feels victimised and marginalised.
Recognising these patterns can enhance empathy and support within the team.
If you would like to discuss family of origin, team, group dynamic or any other issues, please contact us.
Illustrations by Coco The Illustrator
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